I consider myself a very lucky gamer. I get to play a lot of games for my job and tell people all about them, and it’s one of the most rewarding experiences I’ve had in my life. But if I’m being honest… something has always eluded me, and I’ve felt like there’s a part of me missing out on something that’s bigger than myself. For all the Victory Royales, Chicken Dinners, and Apex Champions won, I never managed to land a 1st place trophy in F-Zero 99. I’ve decided to make myself a gaming bucket list, so to speak, and taking the podium in F-Zero 99 is on that list. The only way I’m going to complete these challenges is by setting some rules, and at the time of writing, it’s midday, and there’s about 11 hours to go to the first Nintendo Switch 2 Direct, so I’m not going to stop playing with the exception of 2 conditions. I either take first place and complete the challenge, or in 11 hours, the Nintendo Direct starts before I win a race, and I fail the challenge, hanging my head in shame. Let’s go.
Now, for full disclosure, parts of the video have been edited for entertainment value, and a lot of moments were captured using the Switch 2 capture mode as there’s no possible way I could record every attempt. I hope you enjoy a bit of a different video from me.
In order to prepare for this challenge, I decided to break out the big guns and watch The Fast and the Furious for tips and tricks. As I’m on a tight schedule, I can only watch the first few minutes. The scene that sticks with me? Brian walks up to Mia and orders a Tuna sandwich. This must be the key to victory, so I take some notes. No more time to watch the movie, it’s time to get some hands-on practice. I’m not a highly competitive gamer, but I figure time may be on my side, and I have 10 hours until the Nintendo Direct. I think this challenge will be done and dusted in 2-3 hours max. Surely it can’t be that hard, especially if I’m constantly racing for that time. Surely I’ll pick up the ropes in the first hour, then start noticing a huge improvement in hour 2, and then easily bring it home in 3 hours, leaving me with enough time to cook dinner and have a nap before getting up at 11 pm to cover the Nintendo Direct?
I chose the Wild goose as my racer; it’s not quite as fast as the others, but it seems to be sturdier, and I felt like that was my best chance at victory. My first handful of races saw me hit in the Top 25 a lot, and I was happy with that, managing to learn the courses again and get the feel for the game. I reassured myself, this would be over quickly… It’s not like I was still going to be racing 5 hours later.
5 hours in, I’m starting to question everything, and in my lust for a podium finish, I’m crashing out on more races than I am crossing the finish line. Frustration and desperation are setting in. I very rarely get upset while gaming, but I’m finding I’m gripping the controller extra tight and taking desperate and stupid risks. Two-thirds of my races aren’t even seeing me get across the finish line now, and somehow, my progression is getting worse. The minutes tick by, Grand Prixs come and go, but my tickets would remain unspent… The rules of the challenge are for F-Zero 99 mode only. 6 hours in, and things weren’t going to plan at all. I should have been editing the video by now and moving on to my next game. If I were going to get anywhere, I would need to cut to an 80’s style montage while I practice…
I must have raced 100+ races by now, and I was finishing in the top 10 more often. Still, that podium finish eluded me. It was time to take drastic measures. I started taking note of who was winning the most, and the Blue Falcon seemed to be the way to go. I left the safety of the Wild Goose’s shields and switched to the Blue Thunder variant of the Blue Falcon. I kept on practising, using the turn and bank technique more aggressively. I started getting some top ten finishes. Could this be my moment?
It was now getting closer to the Nintendo Direct, with only 2 hours to go. My Fast and Furious research was yet to help me win. Why did Brian always ask about Tuna? Why did he order Tuna even when Mia told him it was bad? Was the Tuna key to my racing success or a red herring that took my attention away from something else that may have helped? I didn’t know, and I was now 5 coffees deep with my eyes glazing over. I couldn’t afford to fail this challenge, and I wasn’t going to try this one again. Would I have wasted 8 hours of my life for nothing? I wasn’t going to find out. Instead, I stretched, took a deep breath, and locked in. Finally, I got a lobby where people didn’t have 99+ wins beam up atop their racer. The map was Mute City, and it was time to end this. The clock counted down and I managed a perfect starting boost, jostling with the pack into the top 10 and by the time we had crossed the start line, I was in the top 3… this could be it. I gripped the controller tight; my arms were heavy, my knees weak, my palms sweaty. Boost was in the orange zone already. Did I gladwrap the spaghetti? So many things are going through my mind, but I really need to focus.
The key was going to be my energy and boost management. Don’t accelerate into the turns, dig the wing in for a sharper turning circle, and boost out. I had to play conservatively for the first 3 laps; one bounce off the wall is all it takes to sink your positioning, or hitting a grey or red bumper car. I started slipping in between the bumpers, avoiding the jump that appears to be a shortcut, but it wasn’t. For 3 laps, I jostled with first, second, and third place. My heart was pounding, and I was so excited at the possibility of this race being the one. I managed to break into first after my opponent hit a grey bumper, still an almost full lap to go. I didn’t have time to take my eyes off the course to check the mini map; instead, I focused on saving enough energy for a couple of boosts and leaving enough in the tank to protect me from a last-minute elimination. As I started approaching the final turn, I saw it… the dreaded 3 chevrons indicating there’s someone right behind me. I wasn’t going to shift my strategy now to block them; I simply needed to make that final turn, boost out, and cross that finish line a winner. The corner approaches, and I reluctantly take my finger off the accelerator and jam the R button down as I hoot the Blue Thunder around the corner, but I swing wide and bounce off the wall. This could be yet another crash out in a long day of failures. I boosted out, energy dangerously low, but the finish line tantalisingly close. The chevrons are still there, second place breathing furiously down my neck until suddenly I cross the line in first place!
I was awash with emotion and honestly felt like I went through whatever the opposite of the 5 stages of grief was. There was elation and disbelief… after all this time, I finally took home the crown! I pondered in quiet reflection. Where do I go from here? Will I ever boot up F-Zero 99 again? And what do I do with all this tuna? 110 races, 43 crash outs, and 1084 boost later, I had finally completed my challenge. Right then, I didn’t know what the future would hold, but I felt damn good finally taking first place. Ask any gamer, any real gamer. It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning is winning.
